Satires
India's Fake, Parody and Satirical News!

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It has been a fact that we Indians can’t seem to say no to people, even if we want to as we believe it is very rude to say no. However, there are some circumstances in life when saying no becomes mandatory in order to avoid misunderstanding. But Indian girls doesn’t seem to understand that and continue to say illogical and bizarre statements when a guy tells them his feelings. Below are 10 most common and irritating excuses given by Indian girls for rejecting a guy.

1 – We are completely different people!

Of course we are. I am a man and you are a women. How did you figure that one out, Doctor Science? Now can we get onto the real reason why you’re dumping me?

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2 – I see you more like a brother!

Gee, when was the last time your real brother groped you at the cinema?

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3 – We are moving in completely different directions!

How can we understand as we don’t read Women’s Weekly?

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4 – Currently, I want to focus on my career!

What career? You are still a student!

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5 – This is too soon after Karan!

It’s been 3 months already since Karan, and you only dated the poor guy for just two weeks anyway.

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6 – It’s not you it’s me!

Meaning = “It’s not me it’s you”.

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7 – I can’t risk ruining our friendship if it didn’t work out!

I’m glad our WW2 troops weren’t like you.

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8 – I want to focus on me for a while

Huh, say what?

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9 – I’ve got a busy exam period coming up

So have I. And?

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10 – I’m carrying too much baggage right now

No you’re not. Your arms are on your hips.

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Eve Teasing has become one of the most serious social issues in our community, which needs to be stopped at once. But women also requires to have the courage to provide an appropriate reply to such incidents. This girl faced eve teasing on daily basis but the kind of way she backfired is simply a pleasure to watch.

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1. “Hindu marriage couples should have at least 5 children”, said by VHP leader Ashok Singhal. Well, according to him, a population of 1.25 billion is still not enough.

ashok-singhal-hd1. “If India needs to change, then Gujarat must change”. He then corrected his statement and said “Galti se Gujarat bol diya, Bihar ke bajaaye”, By Congress leader Rahul Gandhi. I don’t know if he really mistakenly stated that or his mind is always filled with the thoughts of PM Narendra Modi.

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3. “Should I urinate to fill the empty dams”, said by Deputy CM of Maharashtra Ajit Pawar in response to the ongoing hunger strike and water supply demand by affected farmers. Now that’s the kind of leader hell would want.

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4. “Consumption of fast food leads hormonal imbalance and contributes to incidents like rape”, said by Jeetendra Chhatar, Khap Panchayat leader. I don’t know what to say to this.

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5. “Girls should be married at an early age in order to prevent them from rape”, said by former CM of Haryana, Om Prakash Chautala. May be as per his understanding, an assaulter considers a married woman as a Goddess.

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6. “Rural women can’t go ahead in their life as they are not that attractive as compared to women from affluent classes”, said by Mulayam Singh Yadav. He sure sounded like a Talisman.

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7. “As time goes by, the joy of victory also fades away, similarly like a wife who loses her charm after getting old”, says the Congress minister Sriprakash Jaiswal. I wonder how her wife reacted to this statement.

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8. “Such heinous crime hardly takes place in Bharat, but they occur often in India”, says RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat. I wonder from which country he is from.

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To enhance the average shoppers experience, Flipkart move towards becoming a app-only shopping platform along with Myntra left a lot of customers disgruntled. There are many speculations on this move, however the most convincing theory goes thus, online mobile retailers have found that customers buy products with inferior quality when they shop on their phones. A survey claimed, the size of the phone screen, makes the product seem externally good and products that were never purchased until the discount season were brought with rapidity on the mobile app.

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Flipkarts move towards its app platform is parodied to the Big Billion Sale fiasco. It lost ratings and customer valuations, after viral protests against the sham behind the sale. Flipkart is forced to battle it out with Amazon, what with Amazon having a successful app platform. But forcing customers to migrate onto the mobile platform will take away the comfort of choice. Flipkart might retain its desktop platform, but Myntra will migrate into a app platform after May 1st with no desktop variant. If all goes well, Flipkart might follow up on Myntra’s footstep.

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Flipkart also joined Airtel Zero, where customer’s won’t have to pay data charges when shopping on their phone. But this came at a larger lose to the people of India, we gave up the right to net neutrality. After much protest from its customers and a huge social media backlash, flipkart decided to stick to common laws of open source internet etiquette and withdrew the flipped finger to embrace net neutrality. The hd team would like to forward its appreciation of flipkat’s gesture, we also hope other companies would follow suit and keep our internet neutral. Other platforms that violate net neutrality in a big way are facebook, google and twitter. The biggest controversy against Flipkarts decision to backout, is that foreign players still flaunt net neutrality but there isn’t much protest against them. When smaller companies are forced to backout, bigger corporations claim monopoly.

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Shiv Sena created history today, after releasing a highly illustrious debate on denying all hindus the right to vote. The argument sounds shady and unreliable on face value, but on deeper introspection opens up a cerebral logic that might revolutionize our very constitution. hd readers should keep in mind that many of Shiv Senas revolutionary ideas have been widely respected for the instant activism it enlightens among the general public and government, the Shiv Sena logic is hard to ignore. Lets debate the Sena debate.

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Shiv Sena with its democratic standpoint on all matters, debated that Hindus were being used  by certain parties to further their vote bank agendas. In Saamana, a Shiv Sena owned ink rag, they retracted their previous statement that Muslims should be denied the right to vote. After heated introspection among the parties heads and grass root activists, it was agreed that the problem might stem from the Hindu community. In order to ensure a clean voting bank, Shiv Sena took an oath to never vote again, and encouraged the Hindu community to follow suit. Speaking to the hd, one of the Sena leaders who did not want to identified by name, stated that it was a joint decision and they wanted to play their part in keeping India a swachh bharat.

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While the above news is reel, the one below is actually real. Sadly the real sounds like reel, with a woman like Sadhvi Deva Thakur. Bless her secular soul as you read on.

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“The population of Muslims and Christians is growing day by day. To rein in this, Centre will have to impose emergency, and Muslims and Christians will have to be forced to undergo sterilisation so that they can’t increase their numbers,”

The vice president of All India Hindu Mahasabha, Sadhvi Deva Thakur stated to the media. She also wanted Hindus to have more children and populate the earth in order to make it better. Sadhvi Deva Thakur in a wave of compassion and tolerance towards Muslims and Christians, also wanted Hindu gods and goddess to be installed in mosques and churches.

Read up on the story behind the reel.

 http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/shiv-sena-calls-for-revoking-voting-rights-of-muslims/article7095295.ece

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NaMo has raised serious confusion among people in India, during his visit to France, regarding the coal mine allegations against the UPA government. However, unlike their nature to be snobbish, the French audience cheered NaMo when he addressed the issue. Back home, the Congress members and the people are not quite happy with his speech.

Narendra Modi accused the Congress government of “giving away” coal mines.

His frustration over the UPA government’s open usurping of large sum of money is only justified. After all the BJP government was denied such money in the last five years. Had the Congress made money by giving away a pencil or pen, Modi wouldn’t have been as pissed as he is. The cost of giving away pencils, pens, handkerchiefs, or a piece of paper is way less than giving away a coal mine.

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He has mentioned that the current auction is bringing in a lot of money which will be used for a good cause such as education. Of course, by education he meant giving away pencils and pens which will have the ‘Make in India’ sealed on them. The audience cheered for NaMo which came as a surprise to us. The audience was French and they are known for their snobbish nature. Back home, he will face criticism from the people and the Congress members.

The hd team is still confused about the comparison between a pencil and a coal mine.*

What do you think should have been his ideal/logical object of comparison? Leave a comment or ask your friends by sharing this post.

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The queen of the saas-bahu television soap operas, Smriti Irani is known for part timing as the HRD minister for her best friend Modi. Despite the 25 years age gap between the two, Modi and most members of the BJP consider Smriti to be a woman of much talent. After she became best friends with Modiji and joined the BJP, her party members were forced to watch every season of Smriti’s series on Youtube.

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Ms Smriti almost won the Miss India pageant in 1998. She was quite the glamor goddess, during her modelling days Smriti showed a lot of leg, much to Modi’s horror, even though there are rumors circulating that he found these photographs artistic. Vogue approached BJP HQ to create a video on women’s empowerment, which would also include a video montage from their MP’s revealing homespun wisdom on rape. Vogue nominated BJP MP Babulal Gaur’s advice as most revolutionary: “It is a social crime which depends on the man and the woman. It is sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

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Smriti had come to the headquarters, when she saw the camera’s and the lights running, her glory days flashed before her eyes. A private DM was sent to Modiji via twitter and everything was arranged. Since Vogue had already roped in Deepika Padukone for the video, Smriti would pose for the cover page of Vogue as the glam doll of the BJP. After the contract was signed, Smriti immediately flew to Goa, she had to get some emergency tan before the photoshoot.

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Ms Irani went into Fabindia, and the smell of all the cotton brought back nostalgic memories of her acting days. Her eyes spotted the camera’s in the shop, and Smriti forgets herself and goes into super-soap opera syndrome. Sadly this is something a lot of actresses suffer from, doctors think it could be directly related to the kilos of makeup they wear everyday on screen. On a bid to further her protest against Fabindia, she will sport a long sleeved kurta in saffron. Insider sources from Fabindia sent a CCTV footage to Arnab Goswami, where Ms Irani can be seen arguing with the staff. She was furious that Fabindia did not stock sarees or kurtas in a particular shade of BJP saffron.

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It has been repeatedly reported that Arvind Kejriwal suffers from cough that is chronic. He is sometimes seen using an asthama inhaler. Yes. It is that bad! At a recent programme in Delhi, Arvind was seen coughing persistently. Narendra Modi who watched this chuckled. He was heard commenting to his fellow BJP member, “Finally that man will be busy coughing and will not have time to pass nasty comments on our party as such. He deserves it”.

When asked about what he was telling his fellow BJP member, he quickly covered it up saying that he was enquiring if his own personal Yoga therapist, Dr. H.R. Nagendra, will be available for a consultation for Arvind Kejriwal. That was quick, wasn’t it?

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Later that day, on a call with Nagendra, it was confirmed that Narendra Modi had suggested that he diagnose Arvind Kejriwal and prescribe the right medication and yoga therapy to help him get rid of his chronic cough. And Arvind Kejriwal has begun taking yoga sessions with Nagendra.

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NaMo NaMo… How very nice of you!

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Last year, a picture of veteran lawyer Ram Jethmalani kissing actor Dharmendra went viral on social media and it created a stir. Remember?

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On the event of the politician/lawyer’s birthday, Dharmendra was invited and the two greeted each other and shared a kiss. Now, another picture of Ram Jethmalani seems to have gone viral on the internet. This time he has saved us some stir, by kissing a woman. Phew.

On February 18th, it was yesteryear actress Leena Chandavarkar who got under the limelight. Jethmalani met the late Kishore Kumar’s wife Leena Chandavarkar at an awards event and the two shared the dais and were seen hugging and greeting each other. And let’s not forget the kiss!

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As a sign of support to his act, the Supreme Court has announced that since such an act was displayed on February 18th, this day will be called Kiss Day henceforth where yesteryear celebrities can lock lips. This has caused the young people in the country to protest against this verdict, asking the Supreme Court to allow the younger generation also to lock lips.

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Motivated by its spectacular victory in Delhi Assembly polls, the Aam Aadmi Party is now planning to make itself a significant political force in at least four major states in the next five years without entering into any “arrangements of convenience” with any regional party.

Yogendra Yadhava (pun intended) refused to name the states where AAP wants to ‘spread legs’ when asked but said their selection will depend on space for potential opportunity and organizational strength. (We have no clue what he meant by ‘organizational strength’)

AAP’s sweeping victory in the Delhi polls, Yadhava said, has put enormous pressure on the Kejriwal-led government and exuded confidence of it living up to people’s expectations. “We already have dopes like Rahul Gandhi talking about it in press meets!”

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“There are big challenges in governance because Delhi is not a normal state. People also expect different standards of probity from us as we represent clean politics,” he said.

Kejriwal, on many occasions, had said that it was a mistake to contest in so many constituencies. He knew what a flop-show it might have turned into.

“Initially the plan was to impact ‘Two-States’. This idea was inspired by Chetan Bhagat. But due to loyalty and copy right issues, we have decided that it will be Four States instead. We are in talks with Chetan Bhagat on ideas that will help build on this idea”, concluded Yadhava.

 

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Congress, in a two-hour long press meet, said it was too early for Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal to raise the full statehood issue, saying the AAP government already has “too many promises to fulfill”.

This meet has been called for, in response to Kejriwal’s comment that the Congress’s fate in the Delhi polls was due to arrogance.

Kejriwal, in his address to a massive crowd at the Ramlila Maidan after his swearing-in, said his government will work for full statehood of Delhi and also called for a “constructive cooperation” between the Centre and the State.

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“All the positive work which the government needs to do will be done for the benefit of the people. But wherever we feel that politics is being played, if such a situation arises, we do have the ability to uproot such a government”, warned Rahul Gandhi.

“Such a reaction from the Congress was uncalled for and has left Kejriwal upset”, said an inside source. He was so upset that he had to be rushed to the hospital and given counseling at the IHBAS, New Delhi.

“Rahul Gandhi was on ganja when he spoke to the press, and we apologize for the remarks that he has made”, confessed Congress’ spokesperson.

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Indian prime minister Narendra Modi on Friday took to Twitter to convey his best wishes to SAARC nations participating in the cricket World Cup starting Saturday in Australia and New Zealand.

He spoke to the President of Pakistan, Sheik Hasina and Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, conveying his best wishes for the Cricket World Cup. Nawaz Sharif had expressed concerns about losing the match to India. To which NaMo consoled Sharif saying that he has banned Anushka Sharma from watching or being there in the stadium to watch the match. He said this will reduce the run rate of Virat Kohli.

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In response to the shock that hit the media, he said, “This is the only way to win the people’s heart in Pakistan and bring peace between the two nations. It has pleased Sharif who has promised to not touch J&K, if Anushka Sharma doesn’t make it to the match.”

The PM personally called up the premiers of Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Afghanistan to extend his best wishes for their nations successful campaign at the mega event.

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AAP is the new flavor of Delhi, don’t you agree? After Kejriwal’s historic win in Delhi Assembly elections this year, a new cola brand has been launched in the Capital city named – Magic Broom Cola.

One of the flavors of this Cola is called ‘BayDei Cola’. It is named after Kiran Bedi and is supposed to tastes like tears. Kiran Bedi’s tears, perhaps?

Critics have alleged that AAP, which in its manifesto promised freebies such as basic water supply free of cost and a cut in electricity tariffs by half, distributed 25,000 bottles of Magic Broom Cola for free during Kejriwal’s swearing-in ceremony at Ramlila Maidan in New Delhi today.

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Where did the cola/funds come from?

“We are inspired after Obama’s visit to India. People prefer cola to water in the U.S due to lower cost of cola in comparison to water. We want to follow that here in Delhi and name it after my lucky charm – the broom”, said one of AAP’s senior leaders in answer.

While multi-national beverage companies have lost their fizz in Indian market, the Magic Broom Cola with the punchline ‘Drink and fight for your right’ may get a boost this summer.

The makers of the soft drink say the beverage will be available in the markets from Sunday. The Magic Broom Cola is priced at Rs 15 for 400 ml.

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Delhi’s Chief Minister-designate Arvind Kejriwal will have to take the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ-plus security cover or else give in writing to Delhi Police that he does not require the mandated cover, MHA sources said. Chief Minister of the National Capital Territory gets aABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ-plus security cover but Kejriwal, during his earlier stint, had refused any security, PTI reported.

A senior Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) leader has said Kejriwal will not take the Z-plus security this time too. But Kejriwal was called for a meeting to discuss the seriousness of this security issue and convince him to get mandated security cover.

“With all due respect sir, considering the highlights from your oath taking speech has angered top politicians including NaMo, we suggest that you take this security. It is the most complete A to Z-plus security. Remember the Gujarat riots? We do not wish to see something like in Delhi as well.

Under the A to Z-plus security, Kejriwal will be protected round-the-clock by 12 commandos armed with automatic guns.Under the heightened security cover, armed guards will be kept at his residence and visitors will have to pass through Door Framed Metal Detector (DFMD). A pilot car followed by two escort cars carrying security personnel will accompany Kejriwal wherever he goes.

AAP leader Ashutosh said on Wednesday that Kejriwal will not take Z-plus security because he does not need a car when he flies on a broom!

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In his oath taking speech as the Chief Minister of Delhi, Arvind Kejriwal said ten things that shocked not just Delhi, but also the whole of India.

1. People of all religion and all castes have voted for us – Hindus, Muslims, Christians and Sikhs. The poor voted for us. The rich voted for us. Kiran Bedi voted for us.

2. Sixty-seven of 70 seats is a miracle. Thanks to my magic broom. You’ll know what a broom can do, if you have been reading Harry Potter.

3. I have decided to work only in Delhi for the next five years. But after that, I’m going after NaMo. Prime Minister Kejriwal – sounds so good to the ears, isn’t it?

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4. I want to tell all policemen that if anyone seen doing any hooliganism while sporting our party’s caps, arrest them immediately and give them double the caps and brooms.

5. We are confident that in five years, we will end corruption from Delhi, starting from our very own fake receipts for funds.

6. It is important to pass the Jan Lokpal Bill but I want to request people in the media who keep asking me how soon will we pass the bill? I want to tell them that the government does not run like this. We will do it as soon as possible. But we will do everything with conviction. We will work for 34 hours. (Yes. 34 hours. I work on Mars time zone.)

7.  There have been some incidents that made people of Delhi very angry. The efforts to start riots, a church was burned, some churches were set afire. We have never seen such incidents in the last 35 years. That is because I wasn’t into politics then.

8. In every BJP manifesto, the party sought full statehood for Delhi. I told this to PM. We have full majority in Delhi and you have full majority in Centre, and if we want, we can give full statehood for Delhi. We are ready and I hope he will consider our proposal.

9. PM is a busy man. So busy that these days he has no time for selfies. So I told him that let people of Delhi run Delhi.

10. In elections, there are winners and losers. Kiran Bedi is like my elder sister. (What!)

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At least 50 Bajrang Dal activists from different parts of the twin cities (Hyderabad and Cyberabad) were arrested on the dawn of Valentine’s day for burning effigies as a mark of protest against Valentine’s Day celebrations. However, no ‘couples’ were harassed by the Hindutva outfit thus far, it has been reported.

The police maintained a tight vigil at several public places and main thoroughfares of the city to swing into action in case of any difficulty. The police in an action against this protest gave away roses to single men.

“This is a mark of our loving way to curb crime and atrocities said”, one of the cops. This further provoked the Bajrang Dal activists to burn effigies of cops.

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Hyderabad Police Commissioner M Mahender Reddy and Cyberabad Police Commissioner CV Anand warned against forcibly marrying off couples or harassing them during the day.

The Bajrang Dal had initially threatened to marry off girls and boys if found celebrating love on Facebook and Twitter. If you want to be married to your girl friend or your boy friend, you know what to do.

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The infamous muffler, Muffy, has now said goodbye to Arvind Kejriwal. Though it has been one of the things he always carried with him; one that played an important role in his Delhi Election win this year, was replaced by a Vora Moda Kakhi Jacket.

A brand new style statement for the brand new Chief Minister of Delhi is doing the rounds as posters in Delhi.

The AAP leader, who led his party to a historic win in the Delhi elections, took the oath of office along with six other ministers in the Ramlila Grounds today, exactly a year after he resigned as Delhi chief minister after failing to get the opposition on board over the Jan Lokpal Bill.

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The grieving muffler had left him unwell with high fever, this morning, after being ditched by Arvind Kejriwal on Valentine’s Day. Doctors attending to the AAP leader have said that there is also an accumulation of a lot of cough and even his diabetes is not in control. The fasting sugar reading was reported to be 170, which is well above the normal mark. “We have put him on insulin of 160 units along with oral medications,” a doctor said.

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1. Evidences. Because the Court demands evidences

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2. Re-writtable cap. Write whatever you wish to.

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3. A Finger (or two or five). It shows a sense of direction and purpose, you know. 

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4. Scarf. Because it shields the brain from getting frozen.

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5. Questions. Because life demands that you question.

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6. Broom. Because he is big fan of the Harry Potter series.

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7. A dream (read as sleep)

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A tool that has been used by man in the Neolithic period was discovered from a sand mound at T Gudalur in Tamil Nadu. A letter similar to the Indus valley script was inscribed on the tool.

Amateur archeologist V Narayanamoorthy excavated the site and found a stone resembling a hunting weapon of man lived around 3,500 years ago.

Dr. Rakesh Tewari in conversation with V Narayanamoorthy reminded us of the movie ‘A Bug’s Life’.

Narayanamoorthy: Dr. Rakesh, I would like to present to you stone we found in T Gudalur. Here, pretend – pretend that that’s a hunting weapon.

Rakesh Tewari: It’s a rock.

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Narayanamoorthy: Oh, I know it’s a rock, I know. But let’s just pretend for a minute that it’s a hunting weapon, alright? We’ll just use our imaginations. Now, now do you see our country? Everything that made that great country is already contained inside this tiny little hunting weapon. All it needs is some time, a little bit of evolution of the human race and language, and voilá!

Rakesh Tewari: This rock will be a civilization?

Narayanamoorthy: Hunting Weapon to Civilization. You’ve gotta work with me, here. Alright? Okay. Now, y-you might not feel like you can do much now, but that’s just because, well, you’re not a massive civilization yet. You just have to give yourself some time. You’re still a hunting weapon.

Rakesh Tewari: But it’s a rock.

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Narayanamoorthy: [shouting] I know it’s a rock! Don’t you think I know a rock when I see a rock? I’ve spent a lot of time around rocks!

Rakesh Tewari: You’re weird, but I will approve this rock as an archaeological find.

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confuciusThe infamous தமிழ் பற்று (Tamil patru) is back on the saddle causing quite a stir in Tamil Nadu. Jayanti Prasad Nautiyal, a deputy general manager at Corporation Bank, comfortably posted his linguistic research finding that Hindi beats Mandarin as the most spoken language globally.

This truth could not be handled by our very own Idli-sambar folks down south, so much so that it has been taken up at the court.

The Madras High Court has called for a day’s strike, most likely a hunger strike to get this information off the web. They have asked for Nautiyal to submit the papers in the court (psst… which they plan on burning off for good). 

Some have sited Modi as being the cause for this sudden increase in the number of Hindi speaking people. “He was the one who invited Obama for the republic day celebrations and made Obama speak a little of Hindi. Obama is quite the charming influencer! That did the trick”, fumed Aaludaiyanhambi Aadaliraivan Piraisoodi Muthuselvan, an advocate at the Madras High Court.

Nautiyal said, “History repeats itself” referring to the strike in September, 2013.

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Well, well, well, look who’s making the headlines today. It is our one and only chimp-faced Manjhi.

To start with, Jitan Ram Manjhi is the chief minister of Bihar. What brings the limelight on him is the replacement that he will soon be facing by Janata Dal and the Rashtriya Janata Dal.

And the news is that, after a 40-min long meeting with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, he came out looking flushed. Apparently he was given some ‘sound’ advise by Modi.

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Modi was heard telling ‘Man’hji, “Brother, you have been quiet like ‘Man’mohan Singh. It is now time to speak up. It doesn’t matter whether you will fulfill the promises you make to the people. Take it from me. I have spent so much money and time on marketing myself and the party, that the people have forgotten what happened in Gujarat. They don’t even ask me about the progress in the plans and promises I made.”

“Lalu’s MLAs are split over you. If I offer you my support, my position will be questioned by Lalu. And I can’t allow that when I’m having a gala time as a Prime Minister. Make some noise and sound. That will do the trick. It’s a pity that Manmohan learnt his lesson late.”

“So, get out there and kick some ass!”

By the time, Manjhi finished saying it all to us, we looked flushed ourselves.

Jai NaMo!

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Sharma (1) is expected to be replaced by Sharma (2). But Sharma (3) is hoping to be part of the World cup 2015.

Confused already? So were we, when we heard a lot of ‘Sharma’ being thrown across the room. Finally, we got a grip of the cricket buzz. Ishant Sharma is expected to be replaced by Mohit Sharma. Rohit Sharma is hoping to make it count in this World Cup.

Since it is his first debut, we got around to asking Rohit Sharma a few questions on how he feels about this big event. While Rohit Sharma thinks that wearing the India jersey is enough to make you perform on the field, Kohli needs kisses showered by ‘Sharma’ (4).

He added, “It will be a big game against Pakistan”. It’s always that way, isn’t it, across the Indian border, inside the Cricket border, everywhere?

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“I had issues with my G-string”, he blurted and stopped mid-way. But the voice recorder had caught it anyway. He needs to shop at Bare Necessities. Seriously, now!

“I missed out on the last World Cup in India and am keen to make this one count. (I want to) make it big without putting too much pressure on myself.”

Sure you will! Good luck to the four Sharmas.

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US President Barack Obama has announced he will appoint top Indian-American CEO Ajay Banga to a key administration position. Banga, an MBA from IIM-Ahmedabad, has been the president and CEO of MasterCard since 2009.

“The talent and expertise these individuals bring to their roles will serve our nation well. I look forward to hearing more jokes ‘from’ Sardar or ‘on’ Sardar”, Obama said on Thursday.

“The last time I had a similar dose of fun and laughter was in November, 2009”, added Obama.

priminister manmohan singh funny joke photo

Embarrassed by this remark, Ajay Banga has informed the media that the first assignment as a member of the Advisory Committee for Trade Policy and Negotiations, will be to ensure that unless all the archives of Sardar jokes are closed down in America, there will be strict negotiations of trade between the two countries.

It seems that Ajay is playing his role well. Look at him doing the negotiations and making himself a butt of our jokes already.

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We have heard of men beating up their wives. What should a woman do if her husband doesn’t earn, is an alcoholic, acts violent, or most importantly behave like a typical chauvinistic Indian husband?

We got to hear of a case in which wives formed a union. The principle on which this union works is that they, together, beat up the husband of a particular wife, who is acting up, in union. This is a registered group which is quite active in Uttar Pradesh.

????????

“This group was has been founded and has its roots in Delhi. But we are not active there these days since Delhi is currently in Election mode. In the cities we work under cover. In villages we are pretty active”, said Sunita. K, one of the founding members.

“We use brooms and nothing else to beat up the husbands because a broom is a symbol of cleanliness, but at the same time it also indicates insulting a person. This is common here in India”, added another prominent ‘broom beater’.

These women are the new answer to domestic violence. They are called AAP (Aam Aurath Party – Common Woman’s Party).

Kerjiwal, face broom!

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It is come to notice that Opium drug peddlers from Madhya Pradesh, go to the Sanwariaji temple in Rajasthan, before dispatching their consignments. This deity protects thousands of these drug dealers who believe that their god protects them even from the ‘watchful eyes’ of the India law. (We laughed at the last part of the sentence as well!)

On an average the monthly donations cross Rs. 2.5 crore. Can somebody do the math, here, please?

“Those in the opium trade believe that god helps even those who do illegal trade. Devotees stuff donation boxes with opium packets as well,” said the administrator of the temple. For a second even we thought that this god is an avatar of Lord Shiva, but the administrator confirmed that the god is an avatar of Lord Krishna!

“They also promise to donate generously if they have a bumper crop.” said one of the opium farmers! (What!)

There are a quite a few angles to this piece of the story!

#1 Rahul Gandhi is a regular customer of these Opium drug dealers.

#2 Where is the Investigation Bureau when it has all the details of the location where the drug trade is happening?

#3 Does Lord Krishna have a liking for gopis or ganja?

#4 Is this one of Narendra Modi’s ‘Make In India’ items?

rahul gandhi 121116

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A month ago there were talks of Jaya Prada and Kiran Bedi joining BJP, if you have been following news that is slapped on your face every day. Now Kiran Bedi was roped as a shocker for Arvind Kejriwal, which backfired. And thus came in Amit Shah (We hope you know who this ambitious man is!) with strategic plans of asking AAP five questions every day. 

(Amit, you just wait until he challenges you to a debate or a boxing match!)

Now, Jaya Prada is making to the breaking news. She is in talks with BJP to join the party. 

She said “I want to work under the leadership of Narendra Modi now. Mulayam Singh ‘Yedhava’ has disagreed that Sri Devi has undergone a cosmetic surgery and has done a nose job. What kind of a man is so blind to the obvious! He has also commented that Sri Devi is more beautiful than I am. I want healthy politics and enmity, I do not wish to cry anymore in politics or over Sri Devi’s nose job.”

We think it is Boney Kapoor who needs a cosmetic surgery! What do you think?

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The last we heard of Manmohan Singh, if you can rattle your memory a little is for the coal scam. Umm… well, it is basically assigning mining rights to private firms without any kind of transparency, billing the firms for the rights, and transfering the money to Sonia Gandhi’s Swiss account. 

As part of the investigation on Manmonhan Singh, reports are out that no amount of persuasion, threat, beating, will get anything out of his mouth. Hence, the investigation team came up with a plan to get a speech therapist to help them with the investigation. 

manmohan-singh-funny

It is deduced, after the therapy, that Manmohan Singh is affected by a rare disease that is native to Spain or Italy – basically European. It is an unusual virus which has affected only three people so far, two of which have been fatal. 

The virus attacks that part of the brain which is responsible for feelings of patriotism, due to which the affected person is unable to talk for his/her country. The only way out of this alien grasp is to be regularly challenged for debates by Arvind Kejriwal, concluded the therapist. 

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The news of Arnab Goswami gone missing has spread far and wide, that even his wife Pipi Goswami is glad that she does not have to deal with ‘What India wants to know…’

Arnab Goswami is the host of India’s favorite shouting competition called The Newshour on Times Now. He has also been recognized as the loudest jerk who can take on any person on the show.  What made such a  man go missing during an important political season – Delhi Elections, 2015?

Three weeks ago, Trinamool Congress leader Mahua Moitra showed her middle finger to Goswami on air. While we had our jaws dropped, he continued with, “What India wants to know is…” and Mahua couldn’t take it anymore and left the show mid-way. Such a powerful host!

And last night, a night watch guard found a man with over-grown beard, and black framed spectacles, fist punching the electric poll or poll dancing – he wasn’t sure. The bearded man was  handed over at the nearest police station. The cops have contacted Pipi to help identify the man who looks similar to Arnab. Pipi is yet to respond to the cops’ request.

What India wants to know is whether this man who was inciting the electric poll is really Arnab Goswami?

What India wants to know is, Arvind Kerjiwal, will you bear the brunt of Arnab’s condition!

arnab_arrested

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RJD has sprung from nowhere! No. Seriously! RJD chief Lalu Prasad Yadav couldn’t resist taking a dig at NaMo’s bromance with Obama during the US President’s recent visit. 

Lalu said that BJP is an American party. Hearing this Modi’ took a selfie with his jaw dropped, Sonia burst into peels of laughter, and Kejriwal challenged Lalu for a debate.

And we had a laugh at Kejriwal. 

Lalu also said, “I have been saying this for years now. Nobody listens to me. Look at the way Narendra Modi’s government has promoted the US President’s visit.” We wish he followed hd more often so that he did not miss out on the spoof on the original invitation sent to Obama. 

He added, “NaMo is the reason behind Michelle Obama’s much talked about sulk. Women are always possessive of their husbands. With Modi ‘gay’ly chatting away with Obama, Michelle had no choice but to feel offended.”

Lalu was caught sticking his tongue out at Modi’s posters!

Send-Modi-to-Pakistan-says-Lalu-Prasad-Yadav copy

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